i live with everything that i can't do without

Sun, 13 Aug 2006 04:51:14 GMT

seriously, the wolf parade cd is inaruably one of the best albums ever. i would punch anyone in the mouth who said otherwise. or i wouldn't, but i'd want to.

last night was the first saturday night i've spent alone in years. literally. i can't even remember the last time that happened. jase went to seoul and i didn't want to go to seoul. lauren went to the river and i didn't want to go to the river. my phone ran out of minutes so i couldn't get in tocuh with anybody else. i didn't actually care. i haven't been sleeping so welll ever since i decided to stay in korea an extra month so the quiet time alone was a welcome respite. i played on the internet, read swann's way, made a delicious dinner (tofu, bok-choy, carrot, cabbage and brown rice in kalbi sauce) and wrote letters. it was productive if anything.

i miss everyone. i'm ready to put down roots, i'm ready to make and do.

sonGS
wolfparadewolfparadewolfparade.

i look at some people's lives and realize

Fri, 07 Apr 2006 03:36:40 GMT

i've done everything wrong.

sonGs
television's "marquee moon"

now i stand on honest ground

Thu, 30 Mar 2006 02:33:58 GMT

yesterday in my Green kindy class, i put the words "David Bowie" on the board. i had the kids repeat them, and made an effort to explain who he was. i don't think they got it. what they did get was the first two lines of "let's dance," which i also put on the board:

"Let's dance/ Put on your red shoes and dance the blues."

they all got it immediately and we were singing those two lines for a few solid minutes. some of them felt inspired to get out of their seats and actually dance. i can't say i blame them, but i did have to tell them to sit down.

it's not like learning david bowie songs is exactly in the curriculum, best not to draw too much attention to it...

sonGS
the shins

singing to you from a phonebooth

Thu, 23 Mar 2006 05:10:19 GMT

sitting in the kindy area, eating ramen in lieu of a healthy lunch. i had a bizarro craving for the sodium laden noodle treat and i induldged. all the kids keep coming up to me and saying, 'lamyeon, gusayo!" (give me ramen please!) to which i respond with an exaggerated, "anee!" (the impolite form of 'no', used with people younger or of less status than you.) this invariably sends them into fits of laughter. then they run over to their friends and relate their hilarious experience. and then one of their friends runs over. repeat process.

i've also got a monster craving for a chocolate peanut butter frappe from kimballs, in what my acupuncturist refers to as my 'hometown.'

"How is your hometown weather?" he asks twice a week as he's sticking needles in my skin in an intricate pattern. this week i also explained 'here you are' vs. 'here you go,' as well as the ubiquitous 'here we go.'

a born teacher kids, that's what i am. a born teacher.

i just dropped a noodle on my skirt. there goes that.

sonGS
magnetic fields' "69 love songs: volume one"

moz saves us, moz calms us down

Tue, 21 Mar 2006 04:56:06 GMT

there is goodness left in the world. my faith in the man, the myth, the legend has been renewed. and the man is at south by southwest, where i wish oh-so-dearly i was...

AUSTIN, Texas (Billboard) - Pioneering U.K. modern rock band the Smiths turned down a $5 million offer to reunite at the upcoming Coachella Valley Arts & Music Festival in southern California, former frontman Morrissey said Thursday.

His revelation, during a public interview at the South By Southwest Music & Media Conference in Austin, triggered gasps from the audience. When journalist David Fricke asked if he had considered it, Morrissey replied, "No, because money doesn't come into it," a response that drew applause from the crowd.

Of the critically adored act, which broke up in the late 1980s, Morrissey said, "It was a fantastic journey. And then it ended. I didn't feel we should have ended. I wanted to continue. (Smiths guitarist Johnny Marr) wanted to end it. And that was that."

Discussing his forthcoming album, "Ringleader of the Tormentors," due April 4 via Attack/Sanctuary, the notoriously gloomy singer/songwriter admitted that he's writing songs from a good place these days.
"I'm just seeing lots of joyful things in life, which I didn't in the past," he said, adding slyly, "Which maybe you noticed. "Politically the world is ridiculous," he said. "But there's still a lot of beautiful things ... Nature saves us, nature calms us down."

Morrissey will first support the album with a European tour that includes a six-week run of sold-out shows in the United Kingdom. A North American leg is also expected.

Coachella, which takes place April 29-30 about 120 miles east of Los Angeles, will feature such acts as Depeche Mode, Tool and Madonna.

take it coachella. morons.

it's all downhill from here

Fri, 17 Mar 2006 03:39:20 GMT

Fill your bowl to the brim
and it will spill.
Keep sharpening your knife
and it will blunt.
Chase after money and security
and your heart will never unclench.
Care about people's approval
and you will be their prisoner.

Do your work, then step back.
The only path to serenity.

-Courtesy of the Tao te Ching

sonGS
hearing my mother's voice. and lots of reggae.

to direct the movie

Mon, 13 Mar 2006 05:17:31 GMT

everyday after i look at e-mails and don't answer them, i go onto craigslist.com. i look at the same cities every time. i check out apartments and jobs and writing gigs and then i practically have a panic attack and i have to stop looking. i thought that coming here would give me a life direction, that getting away from everything i know and love would allow me to understand what i want to do with my life. i've been here for half a year and i'm no closer to figuring out what to do in september than i was when i arrived.

and now everything is even more complicated and dramatic and hard so choosing what to do come the fall has become the source of a near-constant ache in the pit of my stomach.

i'm seriously considering putting slips of paper in a hat and picking one at random. this is how bad it's gotten.

i know what no one can tell me what 'the right thing to do' is, and that i just have to do some real thinking and figure out what i want from this whole 'being alive' thing but christ god, i'd welcome some kind of vision or dream, or a sign from anywhere.

i haven't been getting any signs lately and this worries the hell out of me.

(nothing could worry the Hell out of me, really.)

sonGS
"i'm free"- morphine

just to prove you wrong

Thu, 09 Mar 2006 05:06:43 GMT

Rob Brezsny's Free Will Astrology took over my life for a while when i was living in northampton. when it came out on wednesdays in the advocate we would gather 'round at p&e's reading it aloud. on days i didn't work, i got stoned, grabbed a copy, and read it on the porch sipping coffee and eating soy yogurt. life was good. here in korea, i've taken to reading his website whenever i feel totaly cut off from everything that's important to me and i've also become a subscriber to his newsletter. the man is fabulous, even if he looks like a loser. i'm just biased against those round john lennon-y glasses, i think. anyways, this was part of the newsleter today. it's an excerpt from his book and it hit home in a big way. (see previous entry, christ)

"Your imagination is a treasure when it spins out scenarios that are aligned
with your deepest desires. Indeed, it's an indispensable tool in creating
the life you want; it's what you use to form images of the conditions
you'd like to inhabit and the objects you hope to wield. Nothing manifests
on the material plane unless it first exists as a mental picture.

But for most of us, the imagination is as much a curse as a blessing.
You're just as likely to use it to conjure up premonitions that are at odds
with your conscious values. Fearful fantasies regularly pop up, many
disguising themselves as rational thoughts and genuine intuitions. They
may hijack your psychic energy, directing it to exhaust itself in dead-end
meditations.

Meanwhile, ill-suited longings are also lurking in your unconscious mind,
impelling you to want things that aren't good for you and that you don't
really need. Anytime you surrender to their allure, your imagination is
practicing a form of black magic.

These are the imagination's unsavory aspects, which Zen Buddhists
describe as the chatter of the "monkey mind." If you can stop locating
your sense of self in the endless surge of its slapdash fantasies, only then
might you be able to be here now and want what you actually have.

But whether your imagination is in service to your noble desires or in the
thrall of compulsive fears and inappropriate yearnings, there is one
commonality: Its prophecies can be pretty accurate. Many of your visions
of the future do come to pass. The situations you expect to occur and
the experiences you rehearse and dwell on are often reflected back to you
as events that confirm your expectations.

Does that mean our mental projections create the future? Let's consider
that possibility. What if it's at least partially true that what we expect will
happen does tend to materialize? Here's the logical conclusion: It's
downright stupid and self-destructive to keep infecting our imaginations
with pictures of loss and failure, doom and gloom, fear and loathing. The
far more sensible approach is to expect blessings."

sonGs
band of horses is in charge of my CD player. please report to them.

gibby's singing techno songs now

Sun, 05 Mar 2006 11:55:24 GMT

maybe i should just get used to the fact that i'm not going to be anybody, anywhere, and that if i was, i would have done something about it by now.

i turn 24 this month.

how did i manage to fuck up so badly?

huh?

anyone got a fucking answer?

good times

sonGS
band of horses

while handicapped people make handicapped faces

Tue, 28 Feb 2006 17:36:55 GMT

half drunk on a tuesday night in glorious cheongju. no school tomorrow, national holiday i know nothing about cos i'm a stupid foreigner. the bar has a computer with free internet and it's the most exciting thing here by a long shot. a cover band just finished a rousing rendition of 'hey jude' and the people want more. "encore!" they shout and i want to die. now they're playing dennis leary's "i'm an asshole."

perfect.

get me out of this cultureless, drugless hellhole

!!!

comin' in from the the cold

Fri, 24 Feb 2006 03:00:48 GMT

my favorite student moved to seoul. he wrote hilarious essays which he always signed "peter kim, 3rd grader." he is a brilliant genius. this e-mail, which i received today, serves as a memorial to his greatness...

Dear ashley

Hello? I'm peter. I moved to Seoul successfully. so I am sending you a E-mail.

Is everyone all right in American School? I hope so. I'm all right. Actually VERY all

right. But I miss you a lot. I haven't eat Mexican food yet. If I eat in future, I must tell

you, huh? I'm having kind of hard day. Because I have to take a level test in academies.

Insome academies, it even took 2 hours! isn't it amazing? Anyway, I satisfy of my test

result. And do you still talk about foods? And tell me if you eat smething very unusal.

I visited my cousins and friends. It's very happy to visit them and play. And did the

essay class canceled? I wish it didn't. But if it isn't, it's amazing. Because it will be a

tutor then.

Eat good food and be well. And if you come to Seoul please write to me. Then bye.

Most sincerely,

peter kim

sOnGS bob marley, bob marley, bob marley

Thu, 16 Feb 2006 05:19:38 GMT

last night i went out for dinner with jase and his two co-workers, one korean, one kiwi. they got samgapsa, which is the fattiest bacon i've ever seen, grilled in front of you. it makes me want to die. how anyone can enjoy meat that doesn't want to be chewed it beyond my powers of comprehension. but it comes with onions and garlic and mushrooms, which you also grill and which do not make me want to die. i improvised. i made joyous little lettuce wrapped bundles of rice, mushrooms, garlic and onions all dipped in a delicous mixture of sesame oil, salt, and pepper. add soju, macju, and good old fashioned coca cola to the mix, and i was in hog heaven. i ate my face off.

we then went to WA bar, where we mowed through two platters of fried cheese, peanuts, and those little rice crackers i'm obsessed with that they seem to serve at every bar, without exception. and beer. lots of beer. sometimes i look in the mirror and wonder how i've gained so much weight since i got to korea.

christ ash, how do you think you gained so much fucking weight? jesus god.

i had a dream that a girl tried to steal five dollars worth of subway tokens from me. when i refused, her and her friends acted like i was the crazy one. she later showed up at my parents house, brandishing a handgun, demanding i take $500 out at an ATM and give it to her or she'd kill me. i'm proud of my dream self. although i totally gave her the money, i was flip and sassy and funny as hell.

maybe i was the same way last night, pre-dream? maybe i was just drunk?

sonGs
dear god, somone buy me an ipod or some shit. i hate all my CDs.

take it to the limit

Mon, 06 Feb 2006 05:21:35 GMT

last night in a blaze of glory, jase and i discovered the secret to making korean Snickers bars palatable. one would think that a homogenized product such as a Snickers bar would taste the same from one country to the next. Coke tastes the same here, as do Pringles, McDonalds, Burger King and KFC. (i'm ashamed i know this from experience) but Snickers bars suck here. something is just wrong with them. they're not as pliant and giving as their American counterparts and the nougat is a far cry from what i'm used to. walking home last night it hit me: heat them up! melt those fuckers till they taste good! out floor is heated (no central air in korea) so we just put them on the floor while we watched another episode of "Northern Exposure." about halfway through, we unwrapped little bars of wonder, unrecognizable from their former shitty korean snickers bar selves.

it was glorious.

as a side note, japanese Snickers bars are way closer to tasting like the real thing. those japanese man, always so GOOD.

sonGS
the doors

and i don't feel any older

Tue, 31 Jan 2006 05:13:26 GMT

this morning i woke up from a fitful sleep full of bizarre dreams (i am 24, sitting in a bathroom stall crying because the full magnitude of having a child hit me right after i had one. i think i have made a mistake and i cry and cry. then i am walking down the street, counseling a 12 year old girl with a lot of makeup on to not let boys take advantage of her just because she looks older than she is. her eyeliner is flawlessly applied) and realized i was in Cheong-ju and not Seoul. it was horrible. i can do big cities, i can do small towns, but i can't stand this in-between bullshit that is Cheong-ju. it's everything bad about a city (pollution, overcrowding, a lack of Nature) without all the things that make living in a city worthwhile (drugs, diverse restaurants, theatre, museums, drugs, Whole Foods, touring live music, dance nights, greasy spoon breakfast places, drugs)

my friend lives in Seoul. near his house he has a taco place, a coffeeshop, a breakfast place, a market, and a foreign book store. it looks a lot like Brooklyn. he has a bathtub, amongst other things i can't get in this godforsaken hellhole country, with its backasswards drug policies and ridiculous amounts of bars.

every morning i wake up and think, "research ash, do your fucking research next time. fuck. god made the internet for a reason, so people like you wouldn't end up in places like Cheong-ju. christ, what have you done!" then i figure out how much time i have left here. then i freak out about money. then i freak out about what i'm going to do when my jail sentence is up in september. then i have some cereal and try to calm down.

good morning.

sonGS
animal collective's new CD, thanks to mr. jon mothafucking shina

i seem to think a lot about the things that i forgot to do

Tue, 17 Jan 2006 05:09:16 GMT

i just came into the computer room to snag a few more precious minutes of internet before i have to leave the safe haven that is the Kindergarten section of our school and go upstairs to the land of unheated bathrooms that never have toilet paper known as Elementary. i sat down at a computer, saying hello to julia, one of the korean teachers, who was sitting at the computer next to mine. she said hello back, then said, "you are getting more beautiful these days." "oh, shush! you're making me blush. i'm just sleeping more that's all." "I am serious!" she replied, then left the room.

maybe i should learn to take a compliment when a korean offers it.

maybe i am getting more beautiful these days.

sonGs
"singing machine"- kimya dawson

to me my life it just don't make any sense

Fri, 13 Jan 2006 03:58:18 GMT

i've been listening to the strokes a lot, in a futile but ardent attempt to psyche myself up about being alive and who i am and have been in this world. i will say that i don't care who knows it, i still think "is this it?" is one of the best rock albums of the last five years. seriously, it's danceable and hilarious and sad and i don't give a fuck if its not cool to like the strokes. or is it now cool to like them, cos they're not cool anymore? are they has-beens, like me? let's hear it for former rock-stars!

same rants, same songs, different timezones.

only now i dance alone, in my bathroom, standing up and showering, yelling along to 'new york city cops' and remembering, remembering, remembering when i should be forgetting, forgetting, forgetting.

take a chunk out of my brain and fry it up, please, i beg you. feel free to use whatever condiments you see fit, i don't even care, i won't protest.

and yes, i miss you too.

i swear to god i just found this

Thu, 12 Jan 2006 04:00:29 GMT

Aries

If you get overtaken by a cleaning frenzy, maybe it's a reflection of your inner state. Consider it an emotional outlet, and tell your significant other to stand clear of the momentary whirlwind.

you've got a nerve

Thu, 12 Jan 2006 03:56:29 GMT

when i was growing up, my mom would clean the house with a fervor and a passion that i could never understand. things i considered harmless and friendly such as dust bunnies and unmade beds had the power to reduce her to a yelling mess, all big eyes and empty threats. when i was growing up, the dishes were always done immediately after a meal. the idea of leaving them in the sink was akin to suggesting we eat dinner naked or smoke a giant spliff in the living room. it just wasn't going to happen. i never got it.

now i live alone, for the first time in my life, and i am beginning to understand the importance of keeping things clean. the other day i looked around my studio apartment and realized that the pile of dirty laundry in the corner was big enough to hide in. i realized that every utensil i had was dirty and sitting in the sink. i couldn't remember the last time i washed my sheets. there was black mildew on the walls of my bathroom. i don't even want to talk about my toilet.

i think i get it now. my enviornment is a clear indication of my headspace, and right now it's cluttered and dirty and sad-looking. everything, inside and out, needs to change.

i did my dishes. i got down on my knees and scrubbed the bathroom walls. i cleaned the toilet. i'm doing laundry tonight, including my sheets.

i'm growing up.
i'm cleaning up my proverbial act.

fuck yes.

sonGS
"the rat"- the walkmen

say what you want to say

Wed, 04 Jan 2006 03:58:08 GMT

i live for mail from america. whenever i get a package or a letter, i just want to throw everyone out of the teachers' room and tear into it greedily, then cry on the floor in the fetal position.

but i just save all this till i get home.

this morning i drank mug after mug of starbucks christmas blend and listened/wailed along to/danced sporadically to neutral milk hotel.

carol and marian: i fucking love you.

sonGS
"two headed boy"

don't die now

Tue, 20 Dec 2005 03:54:18 GMT

you'd think for a girl who writes the date on a whiteboard 6 times a day, i'd actually know what the fuck day it was but you'd be wrong.

i just polished off a "Happy Tree Bread" from Paris Baguette, the ubiquitious bakery chain. there are certain things in life that i just can't resist, and any food shaped like a Christmas tree is one of them, especially if it's a delicious, flaky pastry...

the kindy kids are practicing their Christmas musical in the next room, and i can hear it perfectly. they'e doing 'Pinnochio' and i can't even fathom where they got the script/CD with all the songs. it features unforgettable lyrics such as:

"Don't die now/ Don't die now/ You're a good boy/ You're a great boy"

"He's my ooooooooooonly child" (sung by gepetto)

that one has to be my favorite. i'm thinking of stealing the chorus for something or other.

or maybe i'll just go get another Happy Tree Bread

sonGS
20 six year old korean kids singing bizarre things in the next room

you made me forget my dreams

Thu, 15 Dec 2005 05:18:21 GMT

i swear to god the man at 7-11 hates us. i've only ever seen three people working there. him, a lovely lady whom i also think secretly hates me but not jase, and a young girl who looks at me like i'm a fucking pop star. seriously though, this man. he looks sinister. when we come in he's usually in the back room watching a television, which he hastily shuts off. more than a few times its crossed my mind that it's porn, and if it is i wish he'd leave it on so that i'd know he was human.

i might just be crazy.

he always tries to give me a lesson in korean money, but i usually just stare at the cash register's display screen to see how much i owe him for my water, or my Cass beer, or my shitty Australian snickers bar. maybe he hates me for that.

last night at one AM he gave jase and i cups of fish broth. i know he was just trying to be nice, but i swear to god he had a sly smile on his face as he ladled it into small paper cups for us, like he knew it would gross out the Westerners and make us feel uncomfortable or something. "Komsamnida!" we both said, and went outside. "Christ, you want this? I'd rather die than drink it," i said to jase, who promptly finsihed both his cup and mine.

kiwis.

sonGS
belle and sebastian (who i guess don't sound scottish if you don't know that they are)

pay no mind

Wed, 07 Dec 2005 04:01:08 GMT

probably the best thing i did for myself when i came to korea was to carelessly toss the chieftans' "bells of dublin" CD into my giant-ass CD book. seriously, this just might be the best christmas album of all time, complete with songs in french, random spoken word sections, lots of flute, rousing choruses, and my favorite christmas song of all motherfucking time, "st. stephen's day murders." (it's about killing you family, and who here hasn't thought about doing that come the holiday season?)

what a cliched, bullshit thing to say, but that seems to be the language i'm living with right now.

this morning before work i sat on my bed, on my horrible purple comforter, listening to the chieftans, drinking Starbucks coffee straight from my french-press, and staring at my christmas tree.

make do with what you have, take what you get

let the christmas season begin, bitches.

nobody knows you and nobody gives a damn

Wed, 23 Nov 2005 03:57:22 GMT

some notes about me:

*i've taken to eating burnt toast for breakfast every morning, along with delicious french-pressed coffee, complete with soymilk and raw-ass sugar
*i've taken to eating raw vegetables for lunch every day
*i've taken to doing yoga four nights a week, complete with ropes and hanging upside down
*i've taken to sleeping through the night
*i've taken to writing again, consciously and will the full force of my ever growing will
*i've taken to wearing cream and brown striped legwarmers and making a real effort to look Korean when i go out in public, if only in a futile effort to blend in
*i've taken to listening exclusively to music sent to me from america
*i've taken to missing america
*i taken to understanding how long a year really is

W T F

SoNGs
wolf parade- "i'll believe in anything"

it ain't so sin to be glad you're alive

Wed, 16 Nov 2005 03:59:52 GMT

this morning a cab driver took me on a super bizarro route. i saw restaurants i will never eat at, street markets i'll never be able to find, trees i'll never touch ablaze with red and yellow leaves. that's the thing of it, this place is one giant mirage unless you can speak korean.

i learned 4 vowels last night. i saw some of them today as i was walking to school. "There's 'ah'! There you are 'eu' Hello!" i was literally talking to the vowels i saw, i was so happy to recognize them.

the very idea of actually seeing the eyes of the people i love back home makes mine water.

but:

i found multigrain bread here in this forsaken whitebread nation. and i got my wallet back. so it isn't all bad.

i want the heart i want the soul right now.

sonGS
modest mouse
gza

gotta strike while its hot

Tue, 08 Nov 2005 05:12:12 GMT

once again, please allow me to direct your attention to the photo site of my friend/co-teacher, the fabulous ms. fay macdonald. i can't imagine i'll ever have the money/inclination to buy a digital camera, so i present these pictures to you in lieu of my own photography. click on "ian and caleb at pearl jam" to see some pics of me and fay, as well as my friends ian and caleb rocking out at Pearl Jam, the bar we go to almostt every weekend here in Cheongju. it's a lot like Cheers, except wicked loud and half full of fashionable Koreans. they have amazing peanuts, still in their red skins, which i am known for eating copious amounts of.

i will fight you for them if you come visit.

photos.yahoo.com/fay_macdonald

an addendum: the Halloween photos are also well worth checking out. pics of the cutest kindy kids ever in full costume, me as the Wicked Queen in our school's mini-production of Snow White, and pictures of the drunken galbi Staff dinner that night. now you can see what it looks like when i go out to eat! see one picture of me drunk, raising a glass of soju! be jealous of all the delicious side dishes and freshly grilled (at the table!!!) meat!

i took over the tongs after one round of soju and wouldn't let ally, ian, or fay touch them. i was in charge of that meat and let me tell you, i am getting to be a galbi MASTER.

and:
1st Trip to Seoul are also full of hott pics, y'all.

you can see me from halfway across the world!!!
xo

sonGS
avey tare & panda bear
the dismemberment plan